Earth Day—or Mirth Day, as we like to call it—is tomorrow. Started in 1970, Earth Day is meant to get everyone on board with saving the environment: planting trees, thinking about renewable energy, recycling our Oreo sleeves…all to delay our inevitable planetary extinction.
While we were sitting in the dark conserving electricity, we imagined what celebratory days would look like on other planets…you know, if we aren’t able to save our own planet and end up colonizing the rest of ’em.
Mercury Day will celebrate Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit, inventor of the mercury thermometer. (Sorry, Hermes.) The mercury on Mercury moves from -279 F to 801 F, so pack a Snuggie and an ice pack when blasting off to our solar system’s innermost planet.
Venus Day will celebrate the Venus de Milo, and kids all over Venus will make arms for the statue. Popular materials for sculpting the statue’s replacement arms will include dust, dust, and…dust. Hey, Venus is a dry planet. You have to make do with what’s there.
We’ll celebrate Mars Day by eating the last remaining Mars chocolate bars, stored in an airtight container for millennia. Just be careful: we hear the planet is prone to war (of the chocolate variety). Remember: M&M’s melt in your mouth, not in Mars’ average temperature of -85 F.
The largest planet, Jupiter, is a gas giant (they didn’t call him king of the gods for nothing). When the time comes, we’ll celebrate Jupiter Day by adding to the volume of the planet—which is already 43,441 miles in diameter—after a hearty feast of beans, Brussels sprouts, and ice cream, washed down with apple juice for good measure.
Saturn Day will involve singing a titanic ditty about the 29.45-year orbit of the planet called “The 10,759 Days of Saturn.” It’s done to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” except it takes a couple weeks to sing, and every verse involves a number of golden rings.
Uranus Day won’t be a thing. Why not? Because no one can say “Celebrate Uranus Day” without giggling. The whole thing will inevitably be outlawed early on.
While we’d like to celebrate Neptune Day with a trip to the beach (it’s only appropriate), we’re worried that the massive winds on the planet would turn our umbrellas inside out. Oh, and the average temperature of -328 F also might have us singing a different…Neptune.
Pluto has already informed us that there won’t be a Pluto Day. When humans try to colonize it, Pluto will blast us out of the sky before we land, never having forgiven humanity for declassifying it as a planet in 2006. Pluto knows how to hold a grudge, and revenge is a dish best served in the cold, cold depths of space.
Earth Day will mark its 50th anniversary in 2020, so do your part to make sure we’re still around to see it.
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Quote of the Week
“They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot.“
We wonder if you can pave stuff without gravity.